The Fear

Julia

Julia woke up this morning, not wholly unlike any other morning, with a start. She had had the most vivid, strange dreams. This always seemed happen when she had a lot on her mind. However this morning, dreams aside, she woke with crippling anxiety. While rolling over the gravity of her current situation became increasingly real. This time too many people knew.

As Julie stood in front of the mirror applying her make up, in the same routine as every other morning, she saw through her eyes. She had always avoided doing that. She knew the closer she looked the more she realised how glassy and transparent they are.

“There’s something missing in that girl,” he said. “When she finds it she will be amazing.”

The words were still resonating through her consciousness, like he was standing right beside her holding a megaphone to her ear and whispering it over and over. So when she looked in the mirror this morning she saw straight through the disguise she was so accustom to applying. The make up was suppose to cover the flaws. But today, with the more mascara and eyeliner she put on, the more she accentuated the transparency in her eyes. She opened them right up for everyone to see straight in. She thought to herself, ‘no wonder they all know me better than I know myself’. And this, scared her more than anything.

She had spent such a long time and many arduous internal minutes building the walls around her soul. Tall brick walls she believed were impenetrable. Now she was learning, with every passing comment they made, her barricade was redundant. It was through her eyes they had all been getting their information. With every look in the eye she gave someone, she showed them one of her flaws.

‘How could I have been so careless’, she cursed.

So now, with the damage done, it was time to admit defeat. They had all seen in, made their judgement and now it was obvious, she could no longer use her walls for protection. She was bare and vulnerable. Exactly where she didn’t want to be. She finished applying her make up and stared at the unrecognisable reflection. She began to cry. Black tears rolled down her cheeks filled with fear and apprehension, for she knew she could no longer keep up the charade. She was not fooling anyone. She had never fooled anyone, but herself. She picked up the make up remover and began wiping her eyes. Black stains streaked across her face. She wiped furiously and with great determination. She needed to, once again, recognise that face staring back at her.

Spring clean

She can clean the mess in her house. However, she can never seem to clean the mess in her head. Sweeping the dust under the rug simply does not work the same for the dust in her brain. With one sneeze every dirty particle is ruffled from its hiding place. Polishing the mirror in her bathroom does not make it easier to see the reflection of her minds eye.

Anyway, cleaning has never been one of those homely practices that she has found therapeutic. She has always left it to the point of desperation. The dishes are left in the sink like old memories. Sitting for a long time and growing mould. The carpet is tracked with dirty shoe prints that stain. Making the vacuum cleaner work hard to erase the mistakes. Hanging up clothing that has been strewn across her floor feels like ten tonne weights pulling on her soul.

So you can see, when it comes to cleaning day, she becomes very overwhelmed. Through fear she has let the mess build up so long. It is now one monster of a vicious cycle. More mess. Greater fear. Less cleaning. So more and more she avoids her house to escape the growing mess. With each fleeting visit the mess taunts her. The dishes in the sink and the pile of clothing on the couch, gross reminders of her practice in ignorance. Reminders of her ability in self deception.

Until the day it cannot be avoided any longer. She has no clean underwear left. The bathroom vanity is ugly covered in makeup paraphernalia. The floor of her conscious is sprawled with past, present and future thoughts. The walls stained with expectations and mistakes. However, Spring is fast approaching and the cleaning must begin, slowly. With great hesitation she procrastinates where to start. For each mess she organises in her house, uncovers another mess she has dismissed in her mind.

She will clean the mess in her house in hopes it will clean the mess in her head.

Stay posted

So it has been a while…a long while. Safe it to say you all (all 16 of you) maybe thought I had dropped of the face of the Tumblr. planet. Well unlucky for you I have not. I don’t really have a good excuse for my absence, rather than to say I have been distracted by my life. Working, playing (a little too hard), breaking, building and trying to learn. This year has been a big one. I have lost things that I wish I had not. I have gained things I did not expect. My cautions have taken a back seat. My good/bad judgement travelled along it’s usual course. And I now find myself in a position of great upheaval yet again…   

Free agent

She is not girlfriend material.

Boys are warned when they approached.

Like a cat, she is nonchalant.

She does what she likes.

She seeks affection, but only as it suits her.

She acts inconsequentially and demands control.

With this come chaos.

With this the boys keep clear.

The ‘too hard’ basket is where she is thrown.

From now on, she is a free agent.

Kick the habit

I am quitting my addiction.

I didn’t even realise I was one of those that had an addictive personality. However, I now know my addiction has taken over. It is becoming dangerous for my health. I need to kick the habit. For years I have made excuses for my habit. Preached to everyone as to why and how my habit really is good for me. Convincing everyone (myself) I am in control. For my habit muted my anxieties. It kept my fears at bay and gave me that false sense of security. It has been so easy to maintain my habit. Any vessel would work. That was not the essential part.

Now I am walking myself into a self imposed intervention. I will be the loved one telling me I need to stop. I am telling myself I care. I do not need my habit to be valid. I do not need my habit to feel whole. The cravings will dissipate. The ache will fade. All of the insecurities will heal. Fear will be replaced with strength. I will be okay.

Don’t they say the first step to recovery is admitting the problem. I am Kylee and I am an addict.

Write it out

I will deal with this the only way I know how to. I will write it out until it makes sense. Or at least until I have written everything out of my brain so I can again think straight. I am walking around with two heads and I am sure I must receive looks and comments everywhere I go. I have two heads as I am in two minds. One is ruled by the ever cautious sensibility. The other of course is reckless, the little devil who would usually takes prime position on my shoulder. He is telling me to go with it. “You are always so cautious”, he says. Sensibility peers across shaking his sensible head and whispers in my ear, “Think about this. You are setting yourself up for a big fall.”

Here in lies the problem. Which to believe. Which is going to lead me down the path of least resistance. Or into the depths of saga. Or…even better, how do I turn them both off and simply act. My sensible and my devil fill my brain so much these days. Always. So much so that the sound is almost deafening. The incessant internal tug of war rips open my consciousness and bleeds out my sanity.

Sensible talks with reason and responsibility. He tells me to think about the consequences. He tells me to consider my options thoroughly. He tells me to be careful. All the while, reckless is in my other ear telling me the opposite. He tells me to jump in feet first. He tells me life is to short to worry about that which we cannot change. He tell me to be careless.

I want to believe them both. Some days one wins over the other. Some days I try to ignore it all. Most days though I just live with the continuous battle between my ears. When the day comes that one wins… I do hope it was a fair fight with a gracious winner.

On the getting of perspective

I sat on the tram yesterday. My tram runs past the hospitals. All of them. While stopped by the children’s hospital I sat looking out the window contemplating my current dilemmas. Listening to my iPod and messaging on my iPhone. When around the corner two women walked along pushing a wheelchair. In this wheelchair sat a young girl. Younger than me. But looked older. Her face was covered with a protective mask. Her head wrapped with a bandanna. She sat very low in the chair. Her fragile arms propped up on the arm rests. Her legs, thin and long, flopped to one side. She could not hold them up with her lack of muscle. She was skinny. Eyes sunken and skin translucent. Although I could only see her eyes I knew she did not smile. For that is all I needed to see to capture her emotion. She looked drained and helpless. Instantly I was pulled from my internal melodrama and hit with a fierce whack of perspective. 

It seems we rarely view our lives from the perspective of the bottom up. We crave that which others have. We envy those who have what we crave. And we contemn those who we envy. What for then are those we look over in our selfish habitual lives. Those much less fortunate than use, but with far greater spirit. The women in the Congo who are raped and beaten. The man begging on the street as we pass everyday. The girl in the wheelchair who struggles for life. They all simply long for the recognition they are human. While we complain we do not have the appropriate - insert menial material object here!

Perspective can be both a harsh and wonderful thing. Every now and then we all need a good kick in the bum to remind us to look at what we have with gratitude and joy. I know I write a lot about this kind of thing. Whether in these words or not, I suppose I need the reminder. And in reminding myself I feel as though there is someone else out there who may also need one. It should not take the sight the less fortunate to help me, us to understand. 

Flaws

I am dramatic

I am egotistical

I am narcissistic

I seek attention

I seek recognition

I crave sympathy

I sap energy

I blame you

I scape goat

I expect too much

I give too little

I am selfish

I am flawed